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Dear Chelsea, Let me just start by saying your paper was very moving and inspiring. Loved the way you used such descriptive sentences such as “my poor diary lies in the shadows of my room filled with db’, blank spaces” and “l opened my soul on paper, in depth, in the realest way I could”, these sentences are very empowering and really show the true feeling you had in these situations. Noticed you mentioned very vaguely about your brother being bullied in school. Feel like that subject could be elaborated on a bit more, just because s his sister, I’m sure there was a certain level of impact that had on you as well.
When you said “honestly I know how my brother was feeling being bullied in school”, think you could add an example of how you know that. Also maybe you could add how your brother felt after knowing you wrote a paper just about him, did it help him? How did it impact his life to know that you were interested in sharing his story? Other than that I really feel like you have a great paper and it seems very well put together. Dear Adrian, Your essay has a very good subject that I, myself can relate to. I was also the rebellious one in my class.
Goofing off, blowing off homework assignments and fighting my teachers at every turn. I’m happy that you came to the realization that your teacher just wanted you to succeed and in the end, you both won. It wasn’t until graduation day that I realized that. I did notice a lot of punctuation errors, but I really like the fact that you acknowledge your struggles with punctuation because it means you really do want to do better at it. I see you didn’t indent your paragraphs which is an easy fix. Just hit the space bar a few times before each paragraph. Eel like you should take your time while typing, think about what looks right and what sounds right. When I’m writing a paper, I read out loud to myself a lot. Hearing yourself speak it will help you indicate where to put commas. There were a few basic typos but again, take your time and that will improve. Your paper was very much like a story told, but I think you could kind of spice it up a bit with some metaphors and elaboration on your feelings.